I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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