dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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