Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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