Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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