before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize