I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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