Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
