This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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