do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
