I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
