before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
