Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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