There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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