Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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