I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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