Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
