Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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