Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
not ubering you a puppy
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize