he was CRYING into my vagina
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
