Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
