What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
even my farts smell like vagina
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
