Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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