Moan for me like Helen Keller
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Randomize
