Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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