dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
