Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
