I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
