Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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