my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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