im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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