the condom got lost in my hair
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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