Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
