NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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