I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Tell her she can't have a vagina
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
