sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
