Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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