Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
