wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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