I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
