theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
