worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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