My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
