if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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