Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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