a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
