You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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