Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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