you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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