Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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