If that was your dad, he is hot
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
