don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
