I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
