He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize