i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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