you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
