True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
