Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i drank out of a bidet.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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