Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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