Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Ketchup is God's man juice
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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