Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
