My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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