i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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