Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
