There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
